I can’t believe I didn’t blog about my depression during my college years. I want to feel what I felt that time. All I know is that almost everyday, I feel like I have a Dementor in my backpack, or kissing a Dementor LITERALLY every waking day. I remember going home, dropping by San Antonio church chapel, praying, talking to HIM. However, I can’t remember why. I can rememeber vague snippets but I can’t remember why I was so depressed, down and was crying at home because of school.
I failed to blog about this last week and I want to this time (blame it to me being “tamad.”) . I want to go back and remember what I felt, why I felt it and what happened after.
Ex was checking up on me since I changed my profile pic in my Facebook account to Sadness of Inside Out. A week or two ago, after I went to Sto. Nino Basilica to attend the mass, it rained and for some odd reason, I don’t know why, I suddenly felt sad. Things started to come into my mind. 8 years and still an advisor/specialist. No promotion, while people who are less than 4years with the company are already managers, one friend from Manila is now two levels higher. I don’t have a home, I gave up my condo, no car, just a couple of savings. Work hasn’t been good to me too since I haven’t been to a weekdays off for the longest time it’s hard to adjust. I’m missing Sunday mass, gym sessions, yoga sessions.
I want to slap my face because honestly, I have lots of things to be thankful for. We may not have weekends off, but our shift/work starts between 3-5 (mine at 4:45) and that time, there’s not too much work (calls) and almost everyone else are at the evening shift where real stress starts. I also look to some of my colleagues in Manila, who are same as me; 8 years and advisor level and they are happy. (Though, I envy them since they’re doing admin/back office and not taking calls) I should be happier since I’m single and they have families and responsibilities, while I get to travel, and use my salary on my own. I want to meet my doppelganger and ask him to slap me, or at least crush my brain and heart so that they would feel that I’m indeed lucky. However, it’s not the case… I still feel bad, REALLY bad… I can’t even describe it. I was absent last Tuesday because I wasn’t feeling well; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
I’m a little bit better now thanks to (believe it or not) Supergirl TV series. I just hope this would end fast, because this work related stress, Quarterlife crisis is driving me nuts.
“Life isn’t perfect. I know it can be hard… Pain is part of life, it’s what makes us who we are, it’s what makes you a hero. “
(Supergirl Season 1 episode 13)
I will blog more soon. Patience my dearie.