Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I only got the courage to come out during my college days after I transferred from UP Los Baños to Lyceum Institute of Technology, then, now known as Lyceum of the Philippines-Laguna. After spending my time and experiencing academic freedom (from UPLB), it taught me almost everything, and I mean ALMOST EVERYTHING.
That’s when (and where) I learned to come out. It started when my lesbian classmate during college in LPL when she came out during our 3rd year. Since we’re only 12; the pioneer batch of our course, we were closer than the other courses and other BIATCH, I mean batch. Anyway, she said this will “prevent” further gossips, “Eh di wala na silang pagchichismisan, dahil alam na nila.” (Then they can’t create rumors or gossips anymore since they already know.”) That made all the sense in the world, thus, making me come out not just to them, to all the teachers, admin staff, but to other “other” students as well (I was an irregular student, so I get to sit in classes with other courses as well (these classes were block sections; they’re your classmates until the end; err.. I mean until you graduate)). That’s where I felt the respect I want as a gay student, not afraid of being bullied and getting those hi’s and hello’s without the fear of gossips behind my back. (As if I care?!)
One of those memorable coming out moments was with my GAWAD family. It was rather harder to come out to them since these people are coming from all over the corners of Laguna; from Paete, Pakil to Rizal, Fami, Nagcarlan, Liliw, Calauan, Los Banos, to San Pedro and Binan. I can still remember of giving them hints(eseses) by bringing pictures of 2005 Cosmo Batchelor Bash, and such gay things, I was already giving lots of hints actually, but since I was “that” manly, and they’re not that judgmental; they just shrugged it off. Come 2006 when I was fully pledged part of their org; I was part of their theatre and already got closer to them. That’s when I showed them my ex-gf’s picture and my (then) boyfriend’s picture. They were really giggling about it that they can’t believe I was one. Little did they know, I dated(and did) one of the old members. It was then, they loved me more. Every year, a new batch comes in and I have to think of new ways of coming out. Haha!
When I started working here in Makati, I‘ve never thought being gay is normal, like normal NORMAL. When I was in training, we were asked to introduce ourselves and showcase your talent crap and all. We were 3 straight guys, 3 straight gays and all straight girls. That’s the time where I felt respect, acceptance and happiness with what I am, and who I was. I never felt more comfortable knowing that these people know I’m gay and loves me for it, and the funny part, since I was the probinsyano boy in the metro, who looks like I just escaped fashion prison, they REALLY didn’t believe I was gay until the 2nd week of our training. GOSH!
…and the Coming out party
“Okay, I’ll treat you guys as long as you’ll promise that you’ll tell them about that.” This was my cousin’s proposal when she “confronted” me(via YM) that when she gets back here in the Philippines (she’s in the US), I’ll tell my brother, sister, and cousins(mother side); that I’m gay. DEAL! Her family was one of my closest; they’ve supported my endeavors and dreams and I’ve grown with them spiritually too, that’s why I love them so much. At a resto in Greenbelt, she treated us all, and when we finished our meals, after paying the bill, she initiated the conversation; “What did you tell mom (my aunt) “if its confirmed”?” I was getting red, and just told them; “…that I’m gay.” My brother’s girlfriend was semi-surprised because she(everyone already have an idea, duh?!) heard it straight from ME. It was then the topic that night and which included setting rules; no gowns, or cross dressing (which I’m really not comfortable doing), all and that. I told them I’m not yet ready to tell mom and dad, and too bad sister was not there, since she was my closest sibling. I was more at peace, since brother(whom I wasn’t close to begin with and I had a fight with him since I was 18) told me that he already knew a couple of years, and it was okay with it. It was another thorn removed from my heart knowing that my family, real family knows who I am.
With gay men having some identity crisis; I encourage them to come out. I get to have those raised eyebrows from them, thinking who am I to tell them what to do, and its okay, I understand them; especially since I’m not “them.” However, I enlighten them with what’s with coming out.
Other than my life story, this was true with my ex-bf and husband. I’m not sure if it was me who pushed them or encouraged them to come out, but it was a revelation for both of them and their parents as well. My ex, Euan, who came out to his parents now has a better relationship with them, while husband came out to his mom a couple of years back, and we can now sleep on his room, with open doors, and just last weekend, Tita woke us up to get ready for breakfast; while husband is hugging me.
One of my friend who didn’t came out, is now having a hard time coping with gossips at work. He didn’t came out the first time, and since then, until now, he’s still having a hard time coping with these; at work. “Sana sinabi ko na dati pa, para di nako nahihirapan ngayon.” (I hope I could’ve told them earlier so I’m not having a hard time dealing with them now. )
The not-so-perfect world
When I was in the middle of my identity crisis, I still have, and up to now, still regretted not telling my straight high school best friend. We were both in college, but still maintained our communication through phone every now and then. There was one time “that” topic was opened up, I don’t know why I was afraid to tell him so I denied it. During my junior and senior year, majority of our highschool batch already knew about me, because my ex girlfriend turned bestfriend helped me out to come out to our closest friends, and since that’s one big news, it spread throughout the school. Just a couple of months ago, I saw him on facebook, and since it was a couple account with me and husband, of course, by that point in time he already have an idea. I tried asking him for us to talk, but he don’t want to anymore; “para ‘san?”(what for?) He asked. It still bothers me, but I need to keep my composure. So guys don’t let that one chance pass, tell them; if they accepted you, they’re a true friend and if not, baka bekcy din sila! (They might be gay as well!) Joke! And so I thought, my ex girlfriend and her family, and her husband, and my friends LOVE me, that’s what keeps that small dark cube of sadness on the corner of my heart.
God gave you life, God gave you choices, I chose to be like this because I’m happy and I’m making others happy. It depends on your family background, your group of friends , beliefs, etc. Someone I know was actually sent off when he came out. There are a couple of gay guys whose situation calls for to be closet, and all I can say is pray. It’s hard to be in the closet; almost everyone went through that, and from what I know, and experienced, your FAITH and prayer can help.
For those whose situations are much lighter, come on, COME OUT! You’re missing a lot of things. Society are now getting more and more open about same sex, and religion is not an issue anymore, that’s why I love about MCCph. they introduced me to gay issues in the bible, and just like the revalations in the book of judas, I love the revalation of st sergius and bachus, and st felicity and perpetua. So from here, I already have something to bag me up that not everything in the bible is anti-gay. We already have our saints, they’re here for us.
It will still come down to your choice. Whether to come out or not, find reasons not to and find reasons to, finding yourself or finding your identity, it will end up to whether you want to come out or not. All I can say is life is gay, and so am I.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Or something like that.
This is what my dad said to me/us. I felt surprised and hesitant. Lola just died and we need to move? We’ve been living in this house forever, and we’re moving EVERYTHING?! Dad said it was just a couple of blocks away. I really was hesitant, but in the same time, excited. Dad works as a contractor so he knows if the house is good. We all then started packing our things; just like that. I was overwhelmed by how much things I have! We were packing then dad invited us to visit the place first, we were walking on the streets and a couple of blocks was our “supposedly” new place!
It looked grand, it was big and spacious and just big! When I was already feeling dizzy because of its humongous space; I woke up.
Okay, back to sleep.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
What happened this weekend was quite peculiar. I was doing my weekend to do list when Saturday morning, husband asked me to go with him and spend the weekend over at their place in Laguna. I’m already finished with my to do list- wash my white shirts, arrange my files and important documents. However, he insisted me to go with him. Out of love, and those pa-cute ways and cuddles of him; I lost the battle. I was pissed off though when he was about to text tita “Sasama si Mark pauwi dyan.”(Mark will go with me there). I was like… what the?!? You invited me even though I already have plans (STRIKE 1!) and you’ll tell her I want to go!? STRIKE 2!
We then prepared going to his hometown in San Pablo. Tita Madel(his mom) welcomed us with my favorite Beef Asado, we surprised her though with ice cream. After our hearty meal, I watched television first before joining husband for an afternoon siesta. Tita woke us up since we are to attend Joey’s birthday party; husband’s 10 year old cousin. It was rather a fun party since I was able to meet tita’s elder brother and see tita Pinky’s cute shitzus; Lucky and Jasmine. After the party, it was nice to see his whole family being warm to me especially his lola who keep on saying “Sana dito ka na every weekend!” (I hope you’re here every weekend!) We went back to their home and took a rest, I told him that we need to go before lunch since we still need to attend mass plus, I have a shift at 8pm.
Sunday morning, we then ate again, a hearty meal courtesy of his mom and we were on our way back to the metro. We attended mass at Megamall and went home for me to prepare for work. I didn’t get enough sleep and I told him not to do that again; unplanned trips. He knows how I get stressed when I don’t get enough sleep before work. STRIKE 3! I visited MCC, and boy, the room was overflowing! There were lots of guests last Sunday! Too bad I wasn’t/can’t join them. Then, before I went to work and ate “breakfast” at Pizza Hut, since I really have this nasty headache thus, the picture on this entry. A couple of friends requested that I pos t my new hairdo too.
I’m excited to join the theorg-y on Sept 1. It’s just like coming out, again… and again… and again… I’m already doing the draft because I want this to be special; just like my old coming out moments. Funny though, I have yet to email the owner of the theorg-y; he posted my “other” blog site. Hahhaha!!
Already bought groceries yesterday, excited to become a full time house-band! Cooking for husband! Tita asked me if I know how to cook, I told her not like her, but yeah, I know a couple of dishes or two, and pasta! She said she’s hoping I could teach her son (husband) on how to cook since both of them (him and his brother) don’t know how to dance with pots and pans. Inside, I just told myself, that’s why we’re here for tita…
Excited for this weekend for our GAWAD Kamustahan, Bi El (Bahay Laguna) Day and General Assembly, I miss my GAWAD family!
Excited this Friday because we'll be buying his Nokia N8 and my Ericsson phone, a bit pissed because I still can't decide which phone to buy and getting more pissed because Satio and Aino joined the list. Though, I already crossed out Xperia and Xperia Mini since it wasn't really worth the price, plus Xperia is sooooooo big. We tried Satio and Aino last Friday and damn, I really love them, with Vivaz of course.
Then, to finalize it all, we're both excited to watch Mamarazzi, of course, by our very own Eugene Domingo. YAY!
Special Mentions to!
Sheenah, and her wonderful baby Danah! Her pictures work wonders; stress and anger disappears! Smile suddenly appears!
ex-bf Euan,visited last Friday before going to a party.
Rajsh, the queen of drafts! your highness! Hahaha!!
J_ _ _ r_ _, good luck stalking, errr hunting him! Hahaha! You're lucky you're on the same building!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Since then, I didn’t have the time, the chance and the “energy” to post a blog entry. After my grandmother died, she took away the internet connection with her (‘Nay, no pun intended; wherever you are right now). My health deteriorated since we have “sleepless” night due to the wake, and there goes my work since I was burning hot literally the day after I went back to work, high with nausea and delirious of high fever.
One of the things I would like to post here, so that when I grow old, I’ll remember to ask myself why, my grandmother, roommate for almost 15 years, who gave my birth name, known to be her favorite; didn’t cry at all. Yes my dear friends, for some reason, I didn’t cry even 1mL of tear, not even a sniff. NADA.
I asked a couple of people around and they concluded that probably, I’ve been prepared since then. Since the time my grandmother stopped helping out in our store, since the time she stopped “arranging” cases of beer and coke (it was one of her favorite hobby,and yes, she's that strong), since the time she’s already making mistakes at giving changes to her customers, and since the time she became bed ridden, and forgot my name. Since then, I was already preparing myself, but I didn’t expect this much preparation. I’m gay, I’m supposed to be one of those who should cry the most, in one eye and all. Even my "maton" cousins were crying!
Anyway, I’m also envious of our family friend, Charmie and brother-in-law Ron since they were given those deathly moments with my grandma; aka paramdam. Charmie was visited in her sleep Sunday night (night before the Tuesday grandma died) telling her “Mamamatay na ‘ko, di mo pa ako binibista!” (I’m dying and you haven’t visited me yet!) While my brother in law(sister’s husband) was on his way home Wednesday midmorning, who was so sleepy frmo driving, decided to take a quick nap at a gas station, and when he’s about to sleep, the headlights of his card lit up so he woke up surprised; and freaked out. I joked him before he left-‘Di mo ba isasama si Nanay?(“Won’t you bring grandmother with you?) I guess he did.
It was rather a relaxing wake since I was able to take a rest from work (not from my health though; my allergic rhinitis won’t leave). I also visited Sheenah and her new baby Danah. It was rather a heartwarming moment when I saw her and the baby. My gosh, we were high school back then, we were THE couple of the batch, and now, I’m gay and she has her baby! Her sister came and I told her I’ll be meeting her crush; my straight multi talented college bestfriend who now works as a choir master at a couple of schools and a review center in our region. However,, since he's from another planet, he don't know how to reach Sheenah's place. So we ended up meeting somewhere near UPLB campus. We then ate dinner at a local diner. That’s what I miss here, local diners, restaurants and catching up with good friends.
Meanwhile, husband gave his time to rush after work to visit me/grandma at home. Even if he has trouble of death topics, I’m still thankful he went there. He talked to my sister who shared with him ghostly stories, what a bonding moment. Around 5pm I kicked him out since he still have work that night.
The week that came after, was a breather, my bestfriend and I (which we fondly call each other- Baluga), met since I want him to read the Threesome book. He’s more of a reader than a blogger, and even if he wants to, I don’t think he has the time. It was also nice when he visited grandmother wake and that’s the time I was really laughing, you see, this best friend of mine was already working during college to support his siblings, and when the time of need came; he stopped going to school and went off to work for his siblings full time. His younger sister already graduated and younger brother is on his way to graduation; and he hasn’t finished his school yet, lacking 24 units more or less. Since my family knows him, that’s where my mom came in. When he arrived, mom already gave the (jokingly)upset look, she's upset that he still hasen’t finished his school. I keep on pushing him to finish his school too. That’s what I hate/love about him. He cares for others so much, too much, that he’s being too selfless to the point of being too much. Anyway, we ate our way to Kenny Rogers, and ate our afternoon at Timezone.
Last week, we decided to eat somewhere special. We went to Burgoo to eat our hearts out, and also talked about buying additional “hardware” for our home. We decided to buy ref and electric stove last weekend. Blame it to Gourdoo’s buy one take one pan as well. We went window shopping last Saturday and watched Step Up3. It was indeed a nice movie! Well at least for me who can’t dance. Then come Sunday, due to lack of time, we attended the mass at Megamall for a change (and convenience as well), and it was nice. I still like MCC best and with runners up Greenbelt Chapel (as long as it is not on a Sunday) and Don Bosco church. After the mass, we got our haircut done, and we have another salon to cross out from our list. Too bad we weren’t able to take pictures of our new hairdo. The haircut was fine, but the service is ugh… Memo to us: STAY WITH FIX.